Here are the honest words of a narcissist's child. My words. I publish them here as part of my exploration of the hidden, how the child's experiences form the adult in this regard, and why society is compliant with hiding the truth. These are words most people don't want to hear. Yet they are the truth to many of us.
My biological family doesn't love me. They don't like me. They don't want me - I am a threat. All they ever did was use me for supply. I am not a real person to them. They want the real me suppressed, silenced, destroyed. The real me is an "enemy", and they treated me like a criminal. They did not ever wish me to be well, or to feel happiness, or joy. Tenderness, empathy, emotions are anathema to them. Love is treated like a disease.
Because I am biologically connected to them, must I stay emotionally bound to them?
No. I have to say no. I have to say contact with them crippled me, caused me to see the world in a jaundiced, bitter, untrusting way. It hurt my soul. It eradicated who I am.
Is that love? Is that family?
No. I have to say no.
Do I believe that family must stick together no matter what, that every mother loves her child, that evil is not something I have had daily contact with because it is larger than individual acts of cruelty and betrayal?
No.
I believe that my decision to disconnect with the "world" my mother created was essential. Was it hard?
What was hard was being abandoned, betrayed, neglected, physically and emotionally abused. What was hard is not even having a high school education because my mother stuck me away in an apartment as a kid and took no responsibility while she went off with her lover. What was hard was no kids speaking to me in elementary school because of the things she said to their mothers. What was hard was being stalked, terrified and beaten on by my large older brother. What was hard was being told all this was my fault. What was hard was not having any safety net, any sense of security, or any support. What was hard was being scared and sad every second of my life. What was hard and heartbreaking was being unloved.
The hard was all over by the time I cut them off. So I have to say no. I have to say it was wise and right. That I just escaped with my life, and it was the only chance to have a life.
Because it is not just being unloved. You can find love. It is not just not having your biological family. You can create family. It is when they convince you that you're unlovable. That kills.
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